Updated: Jul 17, 2020
What has been the most painful year of my life has simultaneously been the most beautiful. In February of 2018, my husband and I found out we were going to have a baby, and quite honestly, I was terrified. I was 21 at the time. I was still in college. This was not our plan for right now. (Funny how our plans work out). About halfway through the year, I felt that God was giving me a characteristic of Him to focus on.
He kept reminding me this word through scripture and worship songs. At the time, I was believing that He would be faithful to provide a home for us because we would soon be moving out of our apartment. I was believing that He would be faithful to provide for us financially. I was believing that He would be faithful to give us strength in parenthood and prepare us where we lacked. I was believing that he would USE this pregnancy and the timing of it all for His glory. My pregnancy was perfect and truly enjoyable. We loved this baby girl.
Carrying a life was the most beautiful thing I had ever experienced, but at 39 weeks we found out our baby no longer had a heartbeat. We discovered later that our sweet baby passed due to a triple nuchal cord. These days were painfully hard and my whole being ached for this child, as it still does. After a week or so had passed, we began to try to settle into our uncomfortable new reality.
That’s when God reminded me of that word again. That one word that seemed a lot easier to believe in when I was just a LITTLE uncertain of the future. Faithful. That my God is faithful even now. He was faithful on October 16th when we delivered our stillborn baby. He has been faithful to fulfill his promises from the beginning of time and He will continue to do so until the end. I am STILL believing that he will use this pregnancy for His glory and that he has mighty plans for our baby’s life.
I have learned multitudes this year, and in ways I would have never chosen, but I know that my God keeps His promises. I know that God does not leave my side and He is always with me. When the doctors told us that there was no longer a heartbeat, I imagined my God sitting on the hospital bed with my husband and I, grieving with us. He knows this all too well. Though I wish I was a mother to a baby here on earth and oh, how I long to fulfill that purpose one day, I have more fully understood that my FIRST purpose is being God’s child. I have experienced on a new level just how broken and unfair the world can be and I yearn for heaven in a way I never have before. I really am grateful for that. The days are still hard and messy and we are still in the valleys of this, but my soul has hope and truly knows that God is good. I will see and hold Smokey again in a perfect heaven.
Great is thy Faithfulness.